Vanished

Did you know the finality of the words you spoke
Through gnashing teeth
While coughing up blood
From a hardened heart 
Convinced my sentiment a hoax?

Was the irony lost 
When you cut off the kite string that allowed you to fly
And then vanished on foot?

Desperation held the search party. 
I sucked in a breath of cold air
Bitter realization stole my soul 
As my fate became sealed in the ritual 
of my own self denial

Intestines turning green
Master of self destruction
I tried it all, why wouldn’t I? 
And all the while you made a mockery 
of my 
descent like it was done by design

After a year, still no reply
Same after five
Ten years ago you disappeared 
And I 
could only decipher why
From pieces of memory memorized by a mind 
in shock and dread
The one thing you repeatedly said
Was that I couldn’t be trusted to stay

Would you admit that you were wrong in the end? 
That you were taking revenge on a misconception. 

Could you comprehend yet
that I actually meant 
What I told you back then 
Would you still be content 
If you knew that I spent
ten years while expectantly 
Waiting to hear 
your words spoken again.  

POEM

A Poem to My Mom


Hey mom
Do you mind if I borrow your time?
My best friend is upstairs and she’s totally crying
At 13 years old, confused by the ruse and why her mom doesn’t love like you do

Without hesitation you held her with love and you did it through many years to come.
I watched as you lent her your heart to be brave
You lent it so selflessly to help mend her pain
And you showed her a love she had never been paid

I wish you knew how I saw you right then
Powerfully humble and genuine
But mostly I witnessed the strength you held within
A strength you discreetly handed  your children.

Hey mom
Will you move over so I can get in?
I’m sorry to wake you, I can’t sleep again
Don’t give me that look,  the movie was scary
I’m aware of my age mom, am I not still your baby?
I know you secretly still want to cradle me


I was 18 years old and you didn’t hesitate
To let me sleep with you no matter how late
Or the fact you weren’t even awake
You lifted the covers and I settled in deep
And you even stroked my hair until I was asleep.


Hey mom
You look happy but your smile is beguiling.
A road trip to New Orleans?
This is really exciting!
What made you decide to do this with me? Oh
You’ve noticed I’m sad, this could help, I see
Well, you’ve got no hesitancy coming from me
but
Honestly I can’t believe what I’m seeing.
You coming out of your comfort zone for my well being
Nothing about that idea could be easy
Still the journey began so open and freely.

We spent two nights but we were not done
The night clubs, casinos, it was too much fun.
And we stayed an extra night since we were having a great time
I cherish that trip. It’s a top memory of mine
And I hope that I told you how you were right
I began to really heal because of your sacrifice
Just another example of the mother who raised me
These gestures aren’t small but you made them seem easy.



Hey mom
guess what, I’m having a daughter
Why are you laughing
You think this is karma?
You’ll come visit me though as soon as you can
I need to watch how you did it again
This time I’m going to pay close attention
And watch how you teach her your love and affection.

You loved my kids as much as I do and
I knew I could always come and talk to you
About any detail no matter how small
Your love would shine as you praised them all.


Hey mom
I’m back home now and I’m ok
I don’t talk to you often
But I have so much to say.
Life is busy right now but I’ll try to make time
If you would text then communication would be fine.
It’s actually better to hear your voice
Or see you when we get that choice.

I miss you so much I don’t really know now
If I’m going to get through this without telling you how
My kids are doing so I can hear you praise them
Or to talk your ear off knowing you actually listen.

It was unexpected and I wish I could have said a proper goodbye
Though what would I have said..

Thank you for being my mom
Thank you for a million more examples I can’t begin to list