Did you know the finality of the words you spoke
Through gnashing teeth
While coughing up blood
From a hardened heart
Convinced my sentiment a hoax?
Was the irony lost
When you cut off the kite string that allowed you to fly
And then vanished on foot?
Desperation held the search party.
I sucked in a breath of cold air
Bitter realization stole my soul
As my fate became sealed in the ritual
of my own self denial
Intestines turning green
Master of self destruction
I tried it all, why wouldn’t I?
And all the while you made a mockery
descent like it was done by design
After a year, still no reply
Same after five
Ten years ago you disappeared
could only decipher why
From pieces of memory memorized by a mind
in shock and dread
The one thing you repeatedly said
Was that I couldn’t be trusted to stay
Would you admit that you were wrong in the end?
That you were taking revenge on a misconception.
Could you comprehend yet
that I actually meant
What I told you back then
Would you still be content
If you knew that I spent
ten years while expectantly
Waiting to hear
your words spoken again.
A Poem to My Mom
Do you mind if I borrow your time?
My best friend is upstairs and she’s totally crying
At 13 years old, confused by the ruse and why her mom doesn’t love like you do
Without hesitation you held her with love and you did it through many years to come.
I watched as you lent her your heart to be brave
You lent it so selflessly to help mend her pain
And you showed her a love she had never been paid
I wish you knew how I saw you right then
Powerfully humble and genuine
But mostly I witnessed the strength you held within
A strength you discreetly handed your children.
Will you move over so I can get in?
I’m sorry to wake you, I can’t sleep again
Don’t give me that look, the movie was scary
I’m aware of my age mom, am I not still your baby?
I know you secretly still want to cradle me
I was 18 years old and you didn’t hesitate
To let me sleep with you no matter how late
Or the fact you weren’t even awake
You lifted the covers and I settled in deep
And you even stroked my hair until I was asleep.
You look happy but your smile is beguiling.
A road trip to New Orleans?
This is really exciting!
What made you decide to do this with me? Oh
You’ve noticed I’m sad, this could help, I see
Well, you’ve got no hesitancy coming from me
Honestly I can’t believe what I’m seeing.
You coming out of your comfort zone for my well being
Nothing about that idea could be easy
Still the journey began so open and freely.
We spent two nights but we were not done
The night clubs, casinos, it was too much fun.
And we stayed an extra night since we were having a great time
I cherish that trip. It’s a top memory of mine
And I hope that I told you how you were right
I began to really heal because of your sacrifice
Just another example of the mother who raised me
These gestures aren’t small but you made them seem easy.
guess what, I’m having a daughter
Why are you laughing
You think this is karma?
You’ll come visit me though as soon as you can
I need to watch how you did it again
This time I’m going to pay close attention
And watch how you teach her your love and affection.
You loved my kids as much as I do and
I knew I could always come and talk to you
About any detail no matter how small
Your love would shine as you praised them all.
I’m back home now and I’m ok
I don’t talk to you often
But I have so much to say.
Life is busy right now but I’ll try to make time
If you would text then communication would be fine.
It’s actually better to hear your voice
Or see you when we get that choice.
I miss you so much I don’t really know now
If I’m going to get through this without telling you how
My kids are doing so I can hear you praise them
Or to talk your ear off knowing you actually listen.
It was unexpected and I wish I could have said a proper goodbye
Though what would I have said..
Thank you for being my mom
Thank you for a million more examples I can’t begin to list
Your words are my vice like a parasite that ignites my fears and incites me to tears deep inside you applied this unwanted spy but it still resides and you’ve disappeared
I dream of the times when our minds would align with the stars in the sky with a shine so divine that the exposure seemed fine and our trust was the blind kind of like feigning our truth and remaining with presumably nothing to hide
I was denying the obvious blind swinging with weakened fists grasping to rewind all this But you still left me despite of the length of that hike the one I hike every night remembering the fright and the might in my fight before I met you but after the loss of my light
your parasite needs a host that’s alive to survive and I’m trying but it’s tiring this continual unwinding from who I was and who I am and how you could never understand that the touch of your hand Can put me to sleep remind me to weep forget my defeat
My head treads above water and the shallow end gets farther away I’m afraid that I’ll drown you’re not around to be sure I’m ok to be sure that I make it across where we planned
I can’t stand I can’t stand I can’t stand without you I can’t handle this too. I can still hear the wounds in my head causing dread and confusion, the illusion drenched in red and I search for restitute But all is black, I am blind, I am deaf, I am mute But I still hear his words That demanded my courage
But now I am stranded abandoned and branded I just need a bandage To protect from infection And nourish the reflection Of the pain you injected instead of protecting me
Don't mistake these tears
They aren't for you
I'm actually fine
I'm better now that I can see
No longer surrounded in a darkness
No longer blinded by naivety
Or by you
No longer am I forced to watch in horror as your
eats away at your
No, seeing you does not bring the comfort of nostalgia
Seeing you reminds me that the goodness in humanity is becoming
You see, my soul lives to experience human goodness
I don't know why I can't feel it anymore
I hope I get to feel again
Seeing you reminds me of a time when even after one of life's brutal beatings
I still had hope
I had faith
Seeing you reminds me that my optimism is wavering
My optimism is embarrassing
It wants to give up
Because with 100% of my soul, guided by the ignorance of my optimism,
and I was wrong
and that shocked me.
And now I'm afraid I'll never be shocked again
I'm afraid my soul won't survive a mind that can no longer
My tears are for those of us who are affected by you who cannot see the polluted world you've created
Forcing us complicit
Your narcissism and hate cloud our skies
Your abuse of power
You block our light and mock our dreams
We are suffering because of your inability to understand that this world
doesn't belong to you
Your inability to realize how detrimental
that you stole for yourselves
and love is dull
but your BMW is shiny
And your indifference breaks my heart
The significance of my tears mean nothing to you
nor does the pain you would feel if you could feel
with my heart
Why have you approached me?
If you want forgiveness, just ask
If you want forgiveness, look at me
I'll forgive you
Just be better
I need to feel again
I have been told I need to set boundaries
I wish I had boundaries made of stone
Wishful thinking has become a past time
As time keeps passing by
And all of life's lessons seem fruitless now
Because even if I could stop my watch
While time waits for me to understand
It would still be just a waste of time
You see, my mind is no longer mine
It doesn't resonate with these times
I close my eyes and obsessively ponder why
I'm still here
When did I wake from the dreams filled with promises that my wishes let in?
I just want to sleep in.
Why is it so hard to love?
Protecting myself from those who understand
When nobody really understands
I don't want to be like you
You, who take my kindness and use it as a doormat
You, who wonders why I'm defensively reacting so strongly to the shock of the unnatural
I assume you an alchemist
Fixating on amethyst and quartz
Desperately I wear a hair shirt for you
But you tell me that it's cotton and I must be crazy if it hurts
I don't want to be crazy so I hold in my pain while I painstakingly hunger to try to figure out
Who I am
If I am anything but crazy
And I bite my tongue
For your peace
And I hold back my emotions
For my sanity
And I'm afraid
I will be stuck here
Because the doormat got old
A little rough around the edges
Dirt piled on and no one cared to clean it up it's just a fucking doormat anyway
If only it were the door
So necessary and cared for
Harder to replace, harder to ignore the screams when it becomes unhinged
Impossible not to notice it
I am not familiar with my own existence
Why do I need boundaries here when I barely am
As a doormat
And waiting for the day I wither away
Or my mind comes back with the times
Will I take back what was once mine?
Could I survive another try?
If we are made up of our memories and mine don't come with certainties
Am I nobody again?
Do I start over and then
Make bigger boundaries
Do I begin?