Boundaries

I have been told I need to set boundaries
I wish I had boundaries made of stone
Wishful thinking has become a past time
As time keeps passing by 
And all of life's lessons seem fruitless now
Because even if I could stop my watch
While time waits for me to understand
It would still be just a waste of time

You see, my mind is no longer mine
It doesn't resonate with these times
I close my eyes and obsessively ponder why
I'm still here

When did I wake from the dreams filled with promises that my wishes let in? 
I just want to sleep in. 

Why is it so hard to love? 
Protecting myself from those who understand 
When nobody really understands 

I don't want to be like you
You, who take my kindness and use it as a doormat
You, who wonders why I'm defensively reacting so strongly to the shock of the unnatural 
To me 
Naturally,
I assume you an alchemist
Fixating on amethyst and quartz
Desperately I wear a hair shirt for you 
But you tell me that it's cotton and I must be crazy if it hurts

I don't want to be crazy so I hold in my pain while I painstakingly hunger to try to figure out
Who I am
If I am anything but crazy

And I bite my tongue
For your peace
And I hold back my emotions
For my sanity
And I'm afraid
I will be stuck here
Forever
Alone

Because the doormat got old
A little rough around the edges 
But
Quiet still 
Welcoming
even
though
Dirt piled on and no one cared to clean it up it's just a fucking doormat anyway
If only it were the door
So necessary and cared for
Harder to replace, harder to ignore the screams when it becomes unhinged
Impossible not to notice it

I am not familiar with my own existence
Why do I need boundaries here when I barely am 
Living
As a doormat
And waiting for the day I wither away

Or my mind comes back with the times
Will I take back what was once mine? 
Could I survive another try? 

If we are made up of our memories and mine don't come with certainties
Am I nobody again? 
Do I start over and then
Make bigger boundaries 
And when
Do I begin? 

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